Maybe it's not tantrums: what is the child's behavior trying to communicate?

The child receives a “no”, starts crying, screams, throws an object on the floor and refuses to obey. Faced with this scene, the conclusion usually comes quickly: “She is acting out to get what she wants”.

In some cases, there may actually be an attempt to change the adult's decision. The child learns that certain behaviors produce results and can repeat them when they want to obtain something. However, this is not the only possible explanation.

Behind an intense reaction there may also be a child who is tired, frustrated, overwhelmed by stimuli, with difficulty understanding what is happening or without emotional and linguistic resources to express what they feel.

Before just asking “how do I stop this behavior?”, you might need to add another question: “What is this child trying to communicate?”

What do we usually call a tantrum?

The word “tantrum” is generally used to describe behaviors such as crying intensely, screaming, lying on the floor, refusing guidance, insisting on a request or reacting disproportionately to frustration.

The problem is not just in the word, but in the interpretation that often accompanies it. When the adult concludes that the child is acting only to provoke, manipulate or challenge, they tend to respond with irritation, threats, punishments or long reprimands.

The observed behavior, however, does not alone reveal its cause. Two children may scream when faced with the same situation for completely different reasons. One may be trying to retrieve a taken toy; another may have been surprised by a change in routine and is unable to reorganize herself emotionally.

Therefore, it is not enough to identify what the child did. It is necessary to understand under what conditions it happened and what function the behavior seems to fulfill.

Every behavior communicates something

Saying that behavior communicates does not mean saying that the child consciously planned a message. Often, she herself does not know how to explain what is happening.

A young child may feel an intense emotion without being able to name it. Another may know that she is uncomfortable, but cannot find the words to ask for help, request a break or say that a certain environment is unbearable. In these situations, the body and behavior end up expressing what language has not yet been able to organize.

Among the possible causes of a difficult reaction we can find:

• hunger, sleepiness, pain or tiredness;
• frustration in the face of a desire that cannot be met;
• difficulty waiting or interrupting a pleasurable activity;
• fear, insecurity or anxiety;
• excessive noise, movement, light or interaction;
• difficulty understanding guidance;
• unexpected changes in routine;
• need for attention or closeness;
• limitations in communication;
• attempt to avoid a very difficult task;
• learning that shouting, insisting or crying changes adults' decisions.

Note that these possibilities are not equivalent. If the cause changes, the intervention also needs to change.

Emotional dysregulation is not the same as intentional opposition

An important point is to differentiate an emotional dysregulation reaction from behavior predominantly aimed at achieving a certain result.

In dysregulation, the child temporarily loses part of the ability to organize their emotions and actions. She may scream, cry, run away, push objects or refuse any approach. At this time, long explanations and complex demands tend to have little effect, because their ability to listen, reflect and make decisions is reduced.

Executive functions and self-regulation, skills related to impulse control, attention, mental flexibility and planning, are not born ready-made. They develop throughout childhood and depend both on maturation and on the experiences and mediation of adults. THE Center on the Developing Child, from Harvard University, highlights that these capabilities are built progressively and allow you to manage information, make decisions and control impulsive responses.

In other situations, the child may observe the adult's reaction, stop crying when he receives what he wants and repeat the behavior because he has learned that it works. Still, reducing the entire situation to the idea of ​​“manipulation” does little to help. It is more productive to recognize that a certain behavior has been learned and that the child needs to learn another, more socially appropriate way of asking, waiting, negotiating or dealing with the negative.

Furthermore, the two situations can mix. A reaction can begin as an attempt to achieve something and evolve into true emotional disorganization. Children's behavior rarely fits into perfectly rigid divisions.

Observe what happens before, during and after

A practical way to understand behavior is to record three elements: what happened before, what exactly the child's reaction was and what happened immediately after.

This mode of observation is known as ABC analysis:

• Background (A): What occurred immediately before the behavior?
• Behavior (B): What did the child actually do?
• Consequence (C): What happened next and how did the adults react?

Imagine that a child starts screaming whenever he is given a writing activity. If we just observe the scream, we can classify it as disobedient. But, when analyzing the context, we may discover that she still has difficulty writing, feels ashamed of her own mistakes and perceives the moment of the activity as a threat.

In another case, the child may scream when the cell phone is taken away and receive it again because the adults want to quickly end the conflict. Unintentionally, the family teaches that increasing the intensity of the reaction is an efficient way to recover the device.

Functional observation of behavior is used in educational contexts precisely to investigate the factors that precede and maintain certain responses. Guidelines on functional assessment highlight that knowing the likely reason for the behavior allows teaching alternative ways of meeting the same need. This perspective appears in materials from the United States Department of Education and the IRIS Center, from Vanderbilt University.

Families and teachers do not need to turn the routine into a formal investigation. A simple record, made over a few days, can reveal important patterns.

How to act during a crisis?

When a child is emotionally disorganized, the first goal should not be to lecture them about their behavior. Before teaching, it is necessary to help her recover the minimum conditions for listening and thinking.

Some actions can help:

1. Regulate your own reaction first

The adult does not need to ignore the behavior, but should avoid competing with the child who shouts louder. Speaking firmly and calmly reduces the amount of stimuli present in the situation. An adult's calm is not passivity. It's a way to stay in the moment.

2. Use few words

During a crisis, short sentences are more efficient:

• “I know you were mad.”
• “I won’t let you hit.”
• “The toy will remain in storage.”
• “Let’s talk when you’re calmer.”

Long explanations can increase overload and turn the intervention into another element of the conflict.

3. Protect without humiliating

If there is a risk of aggression, falling or destruction, the adult must stop the action and protect the people involved. This can be done without insults, threats or public exposure. The child needs to understand that certain behaviors will not be allowed, but does not need to be defined by them. She had an inappropriate reaction; This does not mean that it is “bad”, “unbearable” or “uneducated”.

4. Don't negotiate everything at the height of the reaction

If the adult's decision changes whenever the crying intensifies, the child can learn that the crisis is an effective strategy. The welcome must address the emotion, not necessarily the request. You can say, “I understand you wanted to keep playing, but now we need to go.” The feeling is recognized, while the limit remains.

5. Talk after the child has regrouped

After the crisis, the adult can help her to reconstruct what happened: "You were very angry when the game ended. Next time, you can tell me that you would like a few more minutes. I may not allow it, but I will listen." This conversation teaches emotional language and introduces alternative behavior. Just saying “don’t do that anymore” tells you what to avoid, but doesn’t teach you what to do instead.

Understanding does not mean allowing everything

There is an understandable fear that investigating the causes of behavior will result in permissiveness. However, acceptance and limits are not opposites.

The child may be right to feel frustrated and still not be allowed to attack. You may be tired and need to follow instructions. You may not like the change in routine and gradually learn to face it.

The adult's role is to recognize the emotion, stop harmful behaviors, and teach a more appropriate response. Discipline, in this context, is closer to teaching than punishment.

In some situations, the consequence also needs to be maintained. If the child threw a toy and damaged it, they can participate in organizing the space or temporarily not use it. The consequence must be consistent with what happened, applied without revenge and accompanied by guidance.

What can families and schools do preventively?

Not every intervention needs to happen after the crisis. Many situations can be prevented when adults recognize the main triggers. At home and at school, some strategies are useful:

• anticipate changes: “Five minutes left to put away the toys”;
• divide extensive tasks into small steps;
• check whether the child understood the guidance;
• establish predictable routines, without making them inflexible;
• teach words and phrases to ask for help or a break;
• offer limited choices: “Would you prefer to start with reading or writing?”;
• praising specific behaviors: “You were irritated, but you managed to speak without hitting”;
• maintain similar responses among adults;
• reduce stimuli when there are signs of overload;
• respect basic needs for food, sleep, movement and rest.

Prevention does not mean organizing the world so that the child is never contradicted. It means creating conditions so that she gradually develops frustration tolerance, flexibility and the ability to express her needs.

When is it necessary to observe more carefully?

Tantrums and intense reactions can be part of development, especially in the early years. Himself CDC informs that they are expected at certain stages and tend to decrease in duration and frequency as the child grows. However, it is worth expanding the investigation when the behavior:

• happens with very high intensity or frequency;
• remains very different from what is expected for the age group;
• causes significant damage at home or at school;
• involves recurring attacks, escapes or risks;
• arises associated with language, learning or interaction difficulties;
• appears mainly in response to specific sensory stimuli;
• prevents the child from participating in daily activities;
• changes abruptly without an apparent cause.

None of these signs alone confirm a disorder. Behavior needs to be analyzed considering development, environment, communication, health, learning, relationships and recent events.

Psychopedagogical assessment can contribute when reactions appear related to school tasks, insecurity in the face of errors, learning difficulties, the organization of the study routine or the child's relationship with knowledge. As necessary, this understanding can be constructed in an interdisciplinary way.

Before correcting, try to understand

A child who screams, refuses or throws himself on the floor needs limits. But he may also need words that he doesn't yet have, help to reorganize himself or adults capable of realizing that that behavior didn't come out of nowhere.

Understanding does not eliminate the responsibility to educate. On the contrary, it makes the intervention more precise. When the adult identifies the likely function of the behavior, they can stop reacting only to the immediate discomfort and start teaching skills that the child can use in other situations.

Maybe it's a prank. Maybe it's tiredness, fear, frustration, overload, difficulty communicating or a task that seems impossible. Before choosing the answer, we need to understand the question the behavior is asking.